Miscarriage Support: Coping When a Surrogacy Does Not Go as Planned

Despite everyone’s best efforts throughout the surrogacy journey, there are times when a pregnancy does not go as planned. Sometimes, these pregnancies end in miscarriages. Experiencing a failed pregnancy is difficult for anyone to go through. However, as a surrogate, these feelings of loss and sadness are often worsened by the guilt you might feel for thinking you’ve let your intended parents down. 

Repeat after us – It is NOT your fault. 

If you do experience a loss, know that it’s not your fault. It might feel like you’ve done something wrong but don’t blame yourself. Pregnancy is complicated, and there are times when things don’t go smoothly, even if you’ve done everything right. In fact, up to 1 in 4 pregnancies end a miscarriage. However, in surrogacy, the probability is assumed to be lower since the gestational carrier has previously carried healthy and successful pregnancies, and the embryos are often genetically tested for abnormalities before transfer. 

It can be really easy to fall into a negative thought pattern after a failed pregnancy as a surrogate. You might ask yourself a lot of questions. You may ask, “Why did this happen this time? Why didn’t this happen when I was pregnant before? What did I do wrong?” You may also find yourself overthinking and analyzing every little thing that you have done recently as a way to pinpoint the reason why this loss happened. However, engaging in these behaviors will only pull you deeper into that negative thought pattern. To deal with your loss so that you can eventually move on, you must have a strong support system and learn meaningful ways to cope. 

Here are some suggestions for supporting everyone involved in the surrogacy journey after experiencing a loss. 

Take time to grieve

The best thing you can do after experiencing a loss is focus on caring for yourself so you can eventually move forward and overcome that grief. An important part of going through grief is actually processing the loss. If you can, take time off of work and remove yourself from any obligations you have for a few days. Experiencing a miscarriage can completely throw off your already all-over-the-place hormones, so give yourself time to handle how you’re feeling and process your loss.

Express your grief

It may seem obvious, but physically expressing the feelings you’re experiencing inside is an important part of the grieving process. Find a safe place to let yourself cry as loudly as you need to. Shout or yell that it’s unfair, that you did everything right. Allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling. You can do this alone or with someone from your support system you feel comfortable with, like a spouse. 

Lean on your support system

Share your feelings with those you trust. Your spouse, your close friends, and your family can be there for you to help you deal with the loss. Additionally, consider reaching out to your fertility clinic. They have worked with many women who have experienced a loss, and they may be able to share resources in your community or even recommend online support groups that may help. If you would like help from a professional, your Fairfax Surrogacy contact or health care provider can refer you to a mental health professional specializing in miscarriages or surrogacy. 

Share support with your intended parents

Like you, your intended parents will feel an immense sense of loss after a failed pregnancy. Many intended parents have tried for years to build their families, so experiencing a miscarriage during surrogacy can be devastating for them. Share your support with them and allow them to support you by staying in touch with them.

When experiencing a pregnancy loss as a surrogate, you may feel nervous about trying again. It’s okay to wait; you can take as much time as you need before you’re ready to do another transfer. Know that doing another transfer may give you the opportunity to try again. Use your support system. Know that they are there to help you.

Above all, what matters most after experiencing a pregnancy loss is processing your emotions and healing from the experience. Know that your loss is valid and the feelings you have are justified. You can restart your surrogacy journey if you choose to do so whenever you are ready.

For more information

If you are considering becoming a surrogate or have any questions about the surrogacy process, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Fairfax Surrogacy. Our experienced team can provide you with more information and support you throughout your surrogacy journey. Contact us today for answers to your questions about becoming a surrogate.