Making the Connection with Your Surrogate

If you are contemplating or pursuing surrogacy as a way to grow your family, one question you may be asking yourself is, “What kind of relationship do I want to have with my surrogate?”

First things first.  You should always strive to develop a good relationship with your gestational surrogate. This is because maintaining a strong and meaningful relationship with your surrogate is a great way to ensure a successful and positive surrogacy journey. Like any relationship in your life, it takes time to nurture and grow.

Read on to learn more about why it is important to foster a good relationship with your surrogate, as well as some simple steps you can take to build that relationship.

Why should I strive to have a good relationship with my surrogate?

Everyone is different, and every person is at a different stage in their life in terms of personal growth. Because of that, it can sometimes feel daunting or seem difficult to build positive relationships with others. So, what is the benefit to cultivating a good relationship with my gestational surrogate? Mainly, having a strong and healthy relationship with your surrogate can result in:

  • A better pregnancy for your surrogate. When you and your surrogate have a strong relationship, you can act as a source of support and communication for your surrogate throughout her pregnancy. These open lines of communication will ensure that the surrogacy journey goes more smoothly, as well as that both of your needs are being met throughout the process.
  • Your child having a better self-identity. As the babies you had through surrogacy grow older, they may begin asking about where they came from. They may even ask about their surrogate. If you have a good relationship with your surrogate, you may be able to foster your child’s self-identity better by allowing them to meet or by continually having them in your and your child’s life.
  • A more meaningful surrogacy journey for you. Having a good relationship with your surrogate will bring you both closer to one another. This opens up opportunities for you to share important milestones with one another, as well as smaller details of pregnancy that may otherwise be overlooked, like your surrogate’s odd cravings or the weird ninja-like movements she feels in her belly as she carries your baby to term. Sharing these details makes your surrogacy journey that much more special.

How can I connect with my surrogate?

It involves taking the time to recognize and be considerate of your surrogate’s needs. Consider the following suggestions to start cultivating the foundation for a strong, meaningful relationship with your surrogate:

  • Show your appreciation. Acknowledge your surrogate for her selfless decision to carry your child and help you grow your family. Even a simple “thank you” throughout the journey to remind your surrogate that you appreciate her can be meaningful.
  • Show an interest in your surrogate’s life. Ask her about her children. Ask her about her hobbies, her interests, and how she spends her free time.
  • Be open with your surrogate. Unless you’re ultra-accomplished in the art of social skills (which, let’s be honest, since COVID-19, no one is anymore), making new friends guarantees some level of awkwardness. Be open and authentic with your surrogate and let them know you’re eager to foster a relationship with them. Once you get over that awkward hump, it’s all smooth sailing from there!
  • Support your surrogate. Ask your surrogate what you can do to support her. Remember, she is going through her own surrogacy journey as well.

Maintaining a good relationship with your surrogate can do wonders for you, your surrogate, and your children throughout your surrogacy journey and beyond. While it may seem awkward and even intimidating at first, know that there are proactive things you can do to preserve a strong relationship with your surrogate. Support and appreciate your surrogate, show an interest in their life, and, above all, be open with them. That way, you can develop and foster a long-term relationship that even your future children may benefit from.